These days, living by myself, I am experiencing a feeling which could be called loneliness. I hesitate to call it that, because I think there is more to it than that. I understand that I was never like everyone else, so I would understand if I am by myself on this one, but this is the kind of feeling I get when I find an isolated corner in a library. On the one hand, I would like to hide there forever, by myself. On the other hand, that very thought makes me feel lonely. Thus, I wish I could be in two places simultaneously.
Along the same lines as wishing for impossible things is my longing that things would stay the same forever. But, people come and go. Real life is not frozen in time. Sometimes, when I go back and listen to the music I used to love or watch the shows I used to enjoy, I am always confronted with the contrast between how these things have stayed the same, but how different I am now. Ultimately, I cannot go back in time. This feeling would probably be something like putting your favorite stuffed animal into a time capsule and being reunited with it 20 years later.
I think this may be one of my first entries which reflects my thoughts. I usually try to tone it down, but with my busy schedule, I barely have enough time to make an entry, not to even mention taking time to edit it.
By the way, my busy schedule consists of working full-time, and of taking a graduate school class. I do it to keep myself busy so I don't have time to be idling around. That means no Starcraft 2.
Written on July 31, 2010